How are you? I mean, really, how are you?

In between all of the “I’m fine” and the “You know, as well as can be expected” responses, how are we all truly doing?

I’ll tell you how I am.

I’m lonely. I’m not alone, as I have my husband and very cool two-year-old to hang out with, but I am lonely. I crave seeing my girlfriends for an occasional wine or coffee date. I want a hug from my sister who lives an hour away. I’m even desperate for annoying coworkers, so I have something to talk to my husband about that is not “this thing I saw on the Internet.” I am so very, very lonely.

And my loneliness is what makes me scroll endlessly, looking for community on the Internet, staying up too late to read or watch or comment on just one last thing to make me feel connected. It’s what makes me prod my husband into saying he’s not bored or annoyed with me, even though we spend literally 24/7 together, and I am sometimes annoyed with him, despite the fact that he is the type of person that literally no one has ever called annoying (me, on the other hand…). It’s what makes me talk and talk, hoping for a response from someone, anyone, even though the only someones in my house are my husband and the aforementioned two-year-old, because I just can’t stand to hear myself think about this pandemic and the state of our very isolated world and how long this has been going on anymore. It’s what makes me want to write, but also not write, because maybe I don’t want to put pen to paper and let all of this come out, to admit these things to myself. Instead, I shall admit them to strangers on the Internet, dribbles here, drops there, but never the waterfall that probably needs to flow freely to just get. it. all. out.

I’m lonely. How are you?

4 thoughts on “Lonely

  1. Stuart Danker March 5, 2021 / 11:16 pm

    I appreciate your candour and sharing something that’s hard to say for most people. Wishing you all the best, and hope you get to connect more with your loved ones soon!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Art of the Beat March 5, 2021 / 11:19 pm

    Yes, as the comment above said, keep writing. I get you about the loneliness. I too feel like you as the only other human contact I have (face to face) is with my husband. However, the longer I go, the more comfortable I am getting being alone to where I don’t even answer my phone sometimes.
    Thank goodness for the little connections I have made here.

    Be well.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Heather March 6, 2021 / 12:05 am

      You know what’s funny? I looooove alone time, and I’ve been craving more of it. But…I’m also lonely. The strange paradoxes this pandemic has presented us with. Hope you’re hanging in there!

      Liked by 2 people

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